I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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