wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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