im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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