At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
