all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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