He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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