I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
