We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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