Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
