sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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