Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
