I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
