New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
