if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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