if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
