That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
