How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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