whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
