I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize