It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
