I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
