Don't make out with my wife yet
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
