I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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