I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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