Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
