Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
