I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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