News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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