it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
