is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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