literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
