Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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