As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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