when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
