He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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