Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
