i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
