I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
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We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
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He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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