Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
