i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
