How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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