I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
