There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Boobs are out for the taking
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
