I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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