someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
