Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
