I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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