Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
