I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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