I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
