I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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