friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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