It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Me too!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
