highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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