Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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