just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my being single is dangerous.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
