Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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