If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
